so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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