Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
