I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My life is pants optional.
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