I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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