I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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