i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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