I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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