in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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