Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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