so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
