Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
