Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
