Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
