Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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