Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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