Your dad touched me again.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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