When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
