She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
