i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
