she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
