On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my being single is dangerous.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
