3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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