You really coming over, don't trick.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Randomize
