Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
