I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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