My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
