i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
