I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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