How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
