Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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