Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize