Tell her she can't have a vagina
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
