My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
