New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
