So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
