I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
