Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
