4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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