My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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