Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize