I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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