i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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