im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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