What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
