I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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