So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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