I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize