I'm jealous of your bromance
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
