I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
