My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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