i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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