So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
