I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
