upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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