I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
