u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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