If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
