Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
