I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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