Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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