An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
