Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
