Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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