Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am one with the molecules
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize