1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
