I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
