Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
