I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize