My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
