the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
