i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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