Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
