The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize