my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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