Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Found the puke drawer
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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