the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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