Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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